An Open Note to Haters

In past blog posts, I have written about the stigma of acne. I have documented the side effects of Accutane alone, which sometimes causes depression and suicidal based tendencies, and the fact that acne on its own causes 80 percent of those who suffer from it to have depression. Indeed, I did document that it is more likely for those with acne to be depressed than it is for them to not be depressed.

To me, acne is not something that many people discuss. Majority of the population suffer from acne severe enough to warrant a prescription, and yet it is still hiding from conversations. Acne is deemed as something people can change with will and determination. Those who suffer from acne are considered unclean and, simply put, gross. Unfortunately, majority of the population can consider themselves “gross,” then.

The reason I am writing this blog, Sierra Pizza Face, is to bring to light the fact that acne is everywhere, and those of us suffering are not alone. It has been one of the most difficult things of my life to post photos of myself without makeup, highlighting the boils that cover my cheeks and chin. I have documented the pain I have gone through with acne, both physical pain of the lesions on my face, and emotional pain of feeling lesser and ugly because of the skin condition I suffer.

Again, I want to let the world know that acne is not something you can work away. For many who suffer from true acne, washing your face twice daily will not help. The white acne cream your mom buys you from Walgreens for $9.99 will make your blemishes laugh with fury. The only true method that works for those with severe, cystic acne is Accutane, or Isotretinoin, and the course of that treatment is six+ months of your life, during which time the acne and side effects are what some could deem as out of control.

While losing weight is hard, compare it to “losing” acne, and you will drop 10 pounds in an instant. It’s really difficult to maintain a healthy diet and exercise regimen, but if you stick to it, your results will show. Unfortunately for those of us who suffer from acne, clear faces do not appear with regulation and will. Most of the time, medication is required to even think about clearing up our faces.

For this reason, I am incredibly thankful to the branch of medicine that is dermatology, and the fact that our generation has the scientific education to produce such drugs, and the means to obtain it.

Our world revolves around body image, and while I have suffered enough with weight issues and being self-conscious of that, I have never been more hurt in my life that when I have been called out for my acne. In addition, during my time as an over-weight teen, I don’t ever recall being made fun of for having extra pounds. Obesity is an epidemic and affects many Americans, therefore, it is the norm, and one cannot make fun of most of the population.

…wait, did I not just say that acne is also the norm, and acne too affects most of the population? Ugh, the double standards.

People “call out” others daily, for those who torture their fellow human beings with slut shaming and body shaming, yet many people are being ridiculed for facial imperfections, and no one bats an eye.

I am here to say that it is the most difficult thing of my life to live daily with acne on my face. My lesions are not covered by makeup, regardless of how much money I spend on my top-notch beauty products, or how much time I dedicate in front of the mirror. Leaving the house is never a simple task, because leaving without makeup would yield embarrassment on my behalf, and sorrow for how completely wretched my face looks. With that thought, I have to trudge on. I can't shut myself in my room forever, refusing to live my life. I must dedicate an hour daily before leaving the house, still to be dissatisfied with the face that looks back at me.

I found a conversation between my sister and some of her friends, referring to my crater of a face. Unfortunately for that little joke, my sister completed Accutane before me—we, like, come from the same parents and have similar skin tendencies, like—though was quick to forget what it was like to have worse acne than even I do now. I have never felt so hurt by something in my life. If they were referring to my weight, I would have instantly gone for a run. If they were referring to my ugly hairstyle, I would have made an appointment for a new one STAT.

But they weren’t. They were referring to my face, which I already comprehend is out of control. In opening my life to the world, sharing the fact that I have severe, cystic acne with Facebook friends and showing them the methods that I use to combat it, I was hoping to help someone. I was hoping that someone out there wouldn’t feel as alone or ashamed as I have in the past. I decided to create my blog to end the stigma that is acne.

How dare you, Marissa Walker, and everyone else who has ever mocked another human being for their acne? Can you tell me honestly that you have never had one blemish upon your face? If you truthfully can, can you tell me that you have never had an insecurity about yourself?

I used to wonder what it was like to know what people were thinking of me. When they saw me in public or when they met me and went over the introduction in their heads. Did they like me? Do they like my outfit? Did they think I was funny? Do they think I’m pretty? Really, belittling and chastising me never came to mind—though now I realize that’s what some people have been doing all along.

Acne suffers, you are not alone. I’m here. I’ve got four more months of severe acne, and then my face will be clear as crystal. Thankfully, we’ve got these horrendous photos of me with acne to keep you warm at night. When I work my acne out, as I have dedicated this blog to showing, my justice will finally be served. Unfortunately for those of you who tear down others to make yourselves feel better, you will never truly feel better.